And suddenly I'm looking down at myself, oversized (let's face it, smelly) sweatshirt, yoga pants and the blankets that have adorned me for the past 6 hours as I've babied a hang over and..i'm thinking...i'm alive and Im making no damn use of it! I've been stagnant for hours. Oh my god, I need to change this!
You know you do this. But people do it to varying degrees.
You hear about a death. There is no sugar coated way to say it. Or, you hear about a surgery and suddenly you're forced to remember that the capabilities of our bodies don't necessarily grow with our dreams and aspirations. We are highly cognitive beings. We look up and out at the world around us, always scanning and scheming towards what we want but...we can forget that we are, inevitably, linked up to this thing of flesh beneath us that we don't often look down at.
I take that back. There are plenty of very vain people who look at their physical selves all the time. But we never think about the inner workings. There are intestines writhing around under your cute corset. When we're trying to look hot, we can forget our mortality.
When we are fashioning ourselves to be these unique beings...we forget our undeniable commonality..
No, not that...
I mean that we are these guys' #1 Client
So we are reminded of death and suddenly....
Why did I leave that last boyfriend? Why am I sitting in this cubicle? Why don't I go sit down at strangers' tables at a Starbucks and ask them their life stories?
Why don't I be a little bit more, well, Alive?! Because I was just reminded that I wont be forever! And possibly not for as long as I thought I would be!
We can be reminded for a moment that death has no regard for our plans, so we throw those plans out the window.
The moment I heard of my dad's surgery I thought of my boyfriend. We are on a break at the moment.
But when I heard of my dad's surgery I thought "this is silly! why aren't we together this very instant! what were we arguing about in the first place! God Damnit why arent our warm, ALIVE, bodies with each other right now!"
I'll tell ya why. Because that whole desperately loving-life high would last for about 8 hours, 10 at best if we slept in the next morning. There would be a great, emotional, I gotta have all I can of you sex-session, then there would be sleep. Then we would wake up and one of us would speak. Inevitably about something, anything at all, other than this looming-death concept. Because well...we're not dead. And there's coffee to make and appointment books to check. We'd still be alive. It wasn't goodbye. Those plans we tossed out are just sitting at the door waiting and so are all the frustrations we had before. And then we'd feel like fools.
I know it's said "live every day to the fullest" but....I say...
don't be a fool. If we actually "lived each day to the fullest" we would be doing crazy shit! Does going to work 5 days a week sounds like living life to the fullest? no. exactly.
so if we followed that logic, we would be broke and homeless within a month.
Hahaha you are wise beyond your years girl!
ReplyDeleteTruth is, a loved ones death brings us into contact with our own mortality and causes us to question the purpose of our own life and our very being.
Live life to the fullest is perhaps to be the best you can be...yes, even without a boyfriend, even while at the crappy job trying to make ends meet.
On a more serious level, hope your dad is OK and that all goes well. Take care.
Thanks for your kind words. Yes, I did have time to read your blog and I think your writing is brilliant. I agree with 'Purple Cow' that you are '... wise beyond your years girl'
ReplyDeleteI like the hybrid word (which I first read as 'properquerian' - a sort of Freduian slip? Thinking about myself? I usually am. I must tell my therapist.)
Your comments about the ageing process and death are soooo on the ball. I also like your take on '...live every day to its fullest'
Reading your blog lifts my spirits. It is good to know that there are people out there who think and feel as I do - that I am not alone.
Writing opens up new worlds, and lets us in to the minds of others. Thank you for inviting me into your beautiful mind.
I hope your dad gets well soon.
Oh, just one thing: I really do not think you should continue to smoke those large cigars.
I am now follower.
I definitely find myself relating to you a lot, and the way you think about things at times. It's amazing. I wish I could be living life to the fullest as well, it seems that life just passes people by and before we know it, we're growing up and sometimes the best time to do things are while we're young but I find myself at a crossroads with school and wondering why I have to go through all this crap just to have a "good future". It's like all the struggle is supposed to mean something in the end, but what if the end never comes? So yeah, I totally agree with what you're saying.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your dad. I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and hope that his surgery goes well. Hope things go well for you, take care!