Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Yogurt Is Not Old Milk

I learned last night not to indulge in all my cheap college habits in the same night. Spread throughout the week has proven to be fine. But last night I learned not to, in one night:

1) Eat the piece of steak that fell off the nachos onto the bar where people were just doing body shots, just because you never have enough money to buy red meat at home and can't stand to watch the piece go uneaten. Let it rest in piece next to the nipple ring that fell off someone there too.

2) Do not drink the bathroom sink water because it is taking too long to get the bartenders attention to ask for a glass of water. The guy that left the bathroom before you Did just joke about peeing in the sink. He probably wasn't joking. He did wear cut-off sleeves and a trucker hat after all.

3) Do not use the milk that is now visually moving slowly, like yogurt, in it's container, with your cereal at 3 am when you get home from the bar and have the drunken munchies. It's not "just how yogurt is made anyways" as you always tell your roommates when they watch you in disgust.

4) And when you wake up to the feeling of an alien tearing out of your belly, like in that one scary movie where a woman gives birth to an alien, do not wonder what's going on. You know what's going on. You did this.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I Was Hit On By A Hobo

It's funny that (among many other nasty, nasty ones) some of my ex's parting words were "fine, go. You just want to party with your friends" And while that is certainly not why I left, I have been doing my fair share of partying. Girlfriends, I've missed you:)

One thing I forgot about going out to bars and clubs in the highly inconvenient, but constant effort to deflect come-on's by men, while still trying to have a good time. But at least one thing I can say, is they sure do provide a little entertainment.

HIM: "Where's your boyfriend?" ME: "around here somewhere" HIM: "Wouldnt you rather have someone who is here, now?" My Thoughts: "Oh yes, anyone within the vicinity will do. Anyone at all. But I dont know, the guy next to you managed to spike his hair a little higher. And he is here now too."

HIM: "Wanna dance?" ME: "I just want to dance with my girlfriends (and when did the proper location to place your hand on a stranger move from the waste to the buttox?" HIM: "Are you gay" My Thoughts: "Buddy, you're not helping anything by feeding me answers"........Me: "Yes."

HIM: "I promise I'm not a hobo but----" My Thoughts: "Well i've stopped listening."

To single life!