Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Too Young To Think About Mortality?

I haven't posted in a while...I guess I'd say it's because things have stabilized in my life. I wrote a lot about instabilities in my relationship that now seem to be...non issues.

Somehow though, Stability seems to be an issue.

I experienced something the other day. A panic attack? Separation anxiety? Not quite sure. I just know I felt ten leagues under the sea and my heart was beating fast.

I had just been sitting at dinner with my boyfriend and his family.

Why did this happen?

It's going to sounds crazy, really it might, but I think that when something stabilizes in your life it allows you to suddenly, maybe just for a moment, look Far into the future. And that is what happened.

It was probably prompted by a phone conversation with my grandfather that morning. he was just standing at my grandmother's grave and telling me about his memories with her.

Later that afternoon my sister called to say that her and her boyfriend broke up.

Then that evening my Guy sat me down and wanted to know my thoughts on him moving to my hometown (which would in fact be closer to me than where he is now)

It was probably the first two things on that list of happenings that made me react to the last item on the list. We were just sitting at the table, peacefully, happily, STABILY, and suddenly I looked forward. Just for a second, I could see days and years and ages of my life passing with this guy and then death.

It may be because I had absolutely no question in my head at that moment about the relationship. When we have something we are working on/figuring out/fixing, we are fixated on the immediate. I had been fixated on the immediate for a long time and this was the first time I looked forward, even as far as mortality.

I suppose it's not that strange. But it was not pleasant either. I can't be going to lie down in the middle of dinner over these little attacks on a weekly basis. that is not functional. But how do we control this? Does anyone have any experience with what I'm talking about?


  1. I think I do. For me it is as if suddenly a veil is drawn away, or curtains part for just a few seconds, and the clarity is so startling it is dizzyihng. I don't know why this happens or what you can do about it.
    If I were a 'psychic' (which I am not) I might say it was something to do with your 'third eye'. But what does that mean?
    I think that most of the time we are walking around half asleep, befuddled by our socialisation, our education, our beliefs, our shoulds, our oughts, and then suddenly all this drops away - just for a few seconds - and we really SEE! Perhaps with the eye of a child?

  2. Awww, this makes me very happy for you! I don't really have that sort of experience, the idea of being in a lifelong relationship with someone else still makes me want to run very, very far away. But you've been given the opportunity to look forward into the future, clearly, and I think if any person can do that to you, for you and with you, well, that's incredibly remarkable.
    :) Miss you!

  3. My visit is long overdue, and it has been good to catch up on your posts.I think, re this post, its always best to deal in little steps at a time. The big picture makes anyone panic.Although at a different life stage to you, husband was making plans for us to retire, ten years on, in another state recently. It was all too much for me, along with forecasting what may happen with ageing parents. I can only really live in the present, and had to pull everything back to the now. It did actually affect me physically, so plans are on hold as we deal with the day to day, and I'm better for it. I loved your post on "Pillow". Kindness is everything.My husband is a kind man, and that provides winds for my sails and the ability to weather any storm.x