Saturday, March 20, 2010

Potty Mouth

I always seem to be making jokes at the worst times. I once went with my mom into the Urgent Care center because she had been peeing approximately every 20 minutes and in the middle of the nurse's routine questions i burst in "it's probably all those cocktails she's been havin'. She's been drinking like a maniac!"
And we did have to take a few moments to assure the nurse I was only joking, before she would go on with her questions.

That was a harmless incident. All it cost me was a sideways glance from my mother. But the other night, I think my joking permanently struck some nerves with the guy. In fact, possibly got that particular cluster of nerves forever whispering "we don't like her" to the guy whenever I come around.
We were spending the weekend together. And well, quite frankly, I just hadn't had my bones jumped as much as i'd liked to. I was feeling the guy was being distant, I was feeling rejected and with no way out. Either talk and make things worse, or be silent.
Silent has never stood out to me as the right choice (even when it has been) so I took to warming up a bit to Captain Morgan, and after a while that pirate got me a little rowdy.
It all began with the itch of an eye and I said "Damnit. I think I got that eye thing again. Did I tell you, last week I kept waking up with my eyes all sticky and crusted shut?"
The guy asks "why are you telling me this?"
And that was enough to shoot this cannon off. I already didn't feel he found me attractive, may as well seal the deal right? May as well let him know just how gross it can get and find out now if he wants to stick around. (Captain Morgan had totally comandeered this ship by now and i'd like to say this was his answer not mine)

"Because I'm gross, ok, Guy. Because I can be gross and you should know that! I have bodily functions, did you know that?"
"I know that," Guy is trying not to let this go any further. Wasted efforts.
"You know, Guy, I dont think you do know that. You're a photographer. 99% of the context in which you see women they are perfect and beautiful. That's got to have tainted your perception of them whether you like it or not."
"No, it has not."
"Oh yeah?" (there's no stopping me now) "Well what if we took a trip to Mexico, and I accidentally drank the water and had to develop a very close relationship with the toilet?!" At this point i'm thrusting my arm in the direction of said toilet as if sending a kid to time out. I've also gotten Guy's attention.
"I would have no problem with that." He says, "but I'm not going to take a photo of you doing it because it wouldn't be particularly lucrative for my career."

What do you think? I really won back my dignity with this one huh? least it was funny.


  1. I love your writing... 'I just hadn't had my bones jumped as much as I'd liked to'...'Because I'm gross, ok, Guy'
    And the cartoon! Did you draw that? I like lavatorial humour.

    I see that you list Laughter as one of your interests. Brilliant.

    Enjoy your vacation.

    'Captain Morgan'??

  2. Hilarious post!
    Love your humour!

  3. Thanks for stopping by and your commentary. I am finding from perusing your blog that I do believe I will put you in my "favorites" and check out your writings. I've scanned thru a lot and you are quite prolific and funny...and I love it when that happens ;oD
    Happy Spring ... and I made up a word, too, a long time ago: SELFLISH, which to me means a combo of "selfish" and "selfless" and I strive to reach that balance.
    Cheers! from your SisSTAR in the Mitten