Thursday, March 18, 2010

All Dignity Aside, in the Name of Humor

Now I know us bloggers are these highly intelligent, very cognitive beings. We identify ourselves by our minds. We’ll never meet; we’ll never see each other. Here, we are brains. Bodily functions..what? What are those?
Well, maybe we’re not supposed to do it, but I’m bringing a little bit of my body to this blog.
I paid a little visit to a stomach doctor recently, and met my mother for dinner right after. A grey-stone fountain trickled next to our table and waiters put one hand on their stomach and the other behind their back while taking your order in that polite, only five-star restaurant way. I ordered a filet mignon with some French sauce I cannot pronounce and then announced,
“Well, I had my first rectal exam today.”

Trying to keep this as proper of a moment as possible my mom cleared her throat and creased the napkin on her lap and said, “well, welcome to the world of women.”
I contorted my face and was about to say, “but mom—men have rectums too.”
But I held my tongue, and just looked at my mom in her crème, crewneck sweater from Ann Taylor, her Swarovski white diamond earrings and I got to thinking, I don’t think my mom and dad had the most adventurous of sex lives. And she never did have a son. Maybe she actually doesn’t know that men have rectums!

I’m only kidding. I love my mom, and I give her more credit than that. In fact I must, when I think back to when my dad had his first ever, unavoidable milestone that comes along with the senior discount packets—the colonoscopy. I remember him carrying around that giant jug of yellow liquid that was meant to “cleanse” pre-surgery and looked like a generic laundry detergent. He had to drink that thing all day and there was just no knowing when it would kick in so sometimes, mid sentence, his eyes would just about bulge out of his head and he’d suck his lips into his mouth and make a run for it.

And my mom wouldn’t laugh, wouldn’t even move or make a face to indicate anything was going on. She would just have a warm cup of tea and a back rub waiting for him when he came out of the bathroom.

So, I will take my mom’s warm welcome into “the world of women” as simply a welcome into the world of adulthood. A world in which things start to fall apart and we can no longer ignore this warm, bubbling, farting, aching, often flawed flesh that lurks beneath these immaculate minds (we are bloggers after all). Soon, there will be no dignity left. Only in the blogging world (and perhaps I have just stripped myself of that as well) Cheers!


  1. Hahaha you're so funny!

    Your post reminds me of that story about the rebellion of the stomache. Do you know it?

    The hands, feet, mouth and brain begin to rebel against the stomache. "You good-for-nothing sluggard! All you do all day is hog food and relax, whereas we have to work all day and are covered with blisters, scratches,etc," said the legs and hands.

    "I have to think where you'll get your next meal but all you do is hog the food," said the brain.

    One by one the parts of the body joined the complaint against the stomache, that said nothing. "Let's all rebel against the lazy belly," agreed all the organs.

    So they all stopped working. Hands didn't lift or carry, feet didn't walk, mouth didn't chew, brain had no bright ideas...The stomache growled a little, but after a while even this stopped.

    Soon enough the body parts found that they could not walk and just got weaker and weaker. They didn't even have the energy to taunt the stomache.

    Finally a faint voice came from the feet. "I suppose that the stomache may have been working after all..."

    Once they fed the stomache, the feet began to walk, the hands could grasp, the mouth could chew, the brain could think clearly etc.

    The LESSON - Either have 'em all working together or nothing works at all!

  2. I have heard this story, oddly enough in a gruesome Shakespeare Tragedy where the towns people threaten the government with the reminder of this story.....but they leave out the ending. just saying that they are going to protest the government like the appendages protested the stomach.

    the play gets out of control and it's impossible to see how this stomach story, as an analogy, does or does not play out. everyone just dies, you know how Shakespeare can be

  3. Hehe, haven't I heard this story before ;)