Saturday, March 6, 2010

The Catch 22 of Saving Room for Love

(Hey, if I'm going to steal part of my title from his song, may as well put him up here)

Everything we do makes us who we are. I mean the jobs we work, our hobbies, the volunteer work we do, the amount of time we leave for socializing. All of these things make up our temperaments and our overall happiness/positivity/depression/ name it.
I was having dinner with some friends last night, just a couple of kids in their twenties about to graduate college, and we were trying to answer the question: when do you start making a little more room for an "other" ? And I don't mean a martian, although the word "spouse" does sound that out-of-this-world to us right now!
The Catch 22 is this though (and i'm already realizing it to a lesser degree with my boyfriend) :
Guy meets girl. Guy thinks girl is fun, upbeat, motivated, intriguing. Guy wants more time with this girl. That is time FROM this girl. Time time time...that thing that is eaten up by all the above listed activities.
I'll start speaking in the first person now. A little bit of time needs to be given up on all of, if not some of, the other things I do to make time for love in my life and suddenly...i'm not the same person my guy asked to spend time with in the first place. I'm a little less happy if i dont see my friends as much, I feel a little bit ashamed of myself if my grades start get the point. And it filters Directly into my relationship with the guy. Making time for the relationship taints the relationship!
The interesting part to me here is's all about the thoughts we let in (or don't let in).
My family friend is 53 years old and has just within the last 3 years gone to cooking school (never went to college) and now has began her own catering company.
I asked her, honestly, "what were you up to in your life before i met you?" and she answered, "honestly, not much." She said she got married when she was twenty, started having her three kids, and just followed her husband where his work took him and loved him as best as she could so he could do his work as best as he could. But she realized at 50 years old she had never made money for herself, or just never really made anything for her self.
"And that never bothered you before?" I asked, and she literally spit out a little bit of her coffee and screwed up her face and exclaimed, "why think like that?"
And it's true. We make a choice on how we see these things. I become a little down because I feel I'm slipping in my ambitions--i look at giving love to someone and giving up some of my personal life as a Failure. Why not look at loving someone, really, completely and dedicatedly loving someone, as a success?
I don't actually know my opinion on any of this. I am far too young to give up the ideal of going for everything I want, having huge career ambitions and all that. But, but....I think the issue of making room in your life for love will be an issue at all ages. And this friend of mine--her tactic of dealing with that issue, was choosing to look at it as, well, a non issue. The power of thought is incredible.
I'm wondering what some of my readers' experiences have been with making room for love? (Sorry to sound like John Legend)


  1. My personal experience with making room for love? Up until last October, it was nonexistent. I tried to schedule any time with guys to strictly summertime or breaks from school. When it came to school, romance was going to lose. When it came to polishing my high school resume/college resume, romance was going to lose. And if it got in the way of my friendships or family or writing free time, romance was, once again, going to lose. Because I spent so much of my time focused on my ambitions, guys noticed and let me be. Except for one in particular who somehow managed to get through and then I wrecked that as you know...
    I don't think that you're slipping in your ambitions at all Julia. Like you mentioned, you're still young and I personally view being devoted to another person as success too.
    I imagine that once I'm older, I'll make room for love myself. Until then, all of my love goes into my family, friends, and work.

  2. I think that anytime you are able to let love in - to love and be loved, then that can be a success.

    You cannot lump Love in with work, and school, because Love is all together something different. I am of the belief that you can go to school anytime, but Love, is not something you get very often, and when its real - you really feel it deep inside and that is when the giving up of all the other activities does not seem like such a sacrifice after all.

  3. that is very true--i think we often forget that while we are being goal-oriented (work, school, etc..) it is all so we can eventually get to a stable place where we can relax and enjoy love. we forget the ultimate goal of the other goals we strive towards, its funny, really, but i know i do that

  4. It's a great question. As a society, we could probably benefit by examining our EXPECTATIONS of love.
    It is my opinion that love, rather than detracting from your time and causing your grades to slip should ENABLE you to do everything you are doing, BETTER.
    That will of course, require a love interest that is independent, and not needy, in any way. :)

  5. that is very true! if there is a balance of give and take in the relationship, we should leave our significant other feeling encouraged and motivated--hopefully they would have asked us how the other important aspects of our lives are going and give us encouraging words, perhaps advice even. and we should do visa versa for them :)