Thursday, March 4, 2010

Let Me Be Naughty

Not that I think it's the most educational of movies, but, He's Just Not That Into You does, at the very beginning, pose one good, sharp question to be paid attention to and it was something like--why do we lie to our friends? Why do we tell them something is ok, when it's not?
We all have them--those friends that indulge our weaknesses, that coddle us, that never, EVER--god forbid--suggest that we change, that we've been wrong. But this whole See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil thing in friendships can get a little, well, out of control...

Something I'm beginning to realize about friends that fit into the above category, is that they give these false, silly condolences in order to get them in return. It's the bonding link between us. They tell me everything I do is just fine and, before I know it, I'm responding to a question like this--

"i mean I didnt want to hurt him--I didn't want to CHEAT on him--I just got caught up in the moment... Is that so bad?"

by answering like this--

"Nooooo! It's not, its know, we're young. We'll work out these kinks."

Did i really answer like that? Really? Of course I did. Because next time I ask something like

"And I mean,he didn't visit me in the hospital so i don't think i should visit him. Is that so bad?"

I can calmly and contently expect the answer--
"Nooooo! it's not, its um...."

If I tell someone what they want to hear, they'll do the same for me. And so (and I'm not proud of this) i've done that quite a bit. Because...
If I tell it to someone like it is, they can do the same in return to me. They can look me square in the eye and say, "I'm sorry, but that's not right." And that's scary! That implies some change ON MY PART has to take place!

But I am beginning to realize I leave these rendevouzs in which I and a friend exchange weak
condolences feeling, well, depressed. I don't feel good even though this friend tells me I'm good. Because I know when things have gotta change within myself. No one can convince me otherwise.
I want friends that call me on my nonsense. I want friends that demand change from me, tell me when I'm wrong--I want friends that will only want me around when I'm trying my damned hardest and when I'm not making any excuses.
It will hurt at first--it will form a temporary bruise to have someone correct me--but it will feel infinitely better with time.
I'm not suggesting you rid yourself of every friend that shoves a box of bon-bons in your lap and says "he was just a moron" everytime a guy dumps you and lets you sit and feel helpless over it. Some really do wish they could suggest some changes you make so that this doesnt happen again...

Some of these friends might respond positively to a little realistic turn around in your relationship. They may be partially waiting for you to throw the bon-bons on the floor, jump off the couch and ask "but was he just a moron? Or were there ways in which perhaps I, yes Me, MYSELF, was a moron, too?"
We have to be able to consider when we've been morons. And the best friends are the ones that will tell us it even when we don't want to hear it.


  1. i think i feel threatened by you, to be honest.

  2. that's a shame! lol but i guess this is one of my more aggressive posts. they're kind of all over the board in softness or toughness all honesty....they're not meant to be intimidating!

  3. You are so right! You need friends that will hold you accountable to the truth and doing the right thing. It feels better sometimes to have your friend agree with you, but commiserating does not help you if you are in the wrong or in need of looking at things differently. That's what friends are for, if you ask me.

    Thoughtful post!

  4. I got sick of friends who'd always tell me everything was alright back in school. I even isolated myself from a lot of these and went in search of some truth. Today, I have friends who'll tell me to my face that I am being a bitch and tell me at the same time that the guy who left was an idiot. And though they don't always tell the truth, it feels okay.

    I've learnt to look within for true answers. That's one person who can never lie.

  5. Man you rock. But more than that, I love your pics that accompany your rants and raves. Like that chubby little tyke who looks like I feel after a night of expensive tequila shots and cheap women. Or was it the other way around? Nah.